Weddingguide


	WHERE DOES THE PROBLEM LIE?
	by Rev. James Scott

	It has been said that the importance people attach to their careers can be
	gauged by the amount of preparation they put into them.

	If one applies this insight to marriage, it quickly becomes clear just how ill-
	prepared and ignorant many couples are with regard to the basic elements
	of a marital relationship.

	*Gerald and Erica failed to do preparation in this regard. In a consultation,
	a mere ten weeks after the wedding, Gerald said that his marriage did not
	seem to be going well. “We used to have such romantic times together.
	When she said something, I would enjoy listening and vice versa – we were
	so attuned to one another. Now I have a new problem and I do not know
	how to handle it.”

	Gerald felt that the things they disagreed about were minor obstacles that
	they could overcome, but then his wife would frequently rehash old
	arguments. His greatest desire was a harmonious relationship and he was
	concerned about the physical effects of his wife’s bursts of rage on her.

	Conflict is an intrinsic and inevitable element in any marriage and can arise
	from many causes. Fortunately, there are also things you can do to
	approach conflict in a constructive way, to defuse and resolve it.

	Marital conflict can arise from any of the following:
	• different values;
	• each partner’s role in the relationship, for example, when one partner tries
	to bend the other to his or her will;
	• the resources each partner uses to find solutions;
	• when one partner’s behaviour is unacceptable to the other; and
	• divergent and incongruent elements between one partner’s expectations
	and the behaviour of the other (in other words, unfulfilled needs).

	By contrast, a successful marriage is largely based on the
	following:
	• the couple’s devotion to each other;
	• absolute honesty with each other;
	• mutual trust;
	• continued mutual respect; and
	• complete transparency, even about the most intimate facets of each
	partner’s life.

	According to the experts, the gift of unqualified love for each other and the
	ability to communicate effectively are the two main ingredients of the
	recipe to avoid and resolve conflict in a marriage.





	In one marital therapy session, a chiropractor commented excitedly, when
	he grasped the idea, against his professional background: “Reverend, I
	understand you to say that getting married is not a life incident – taking the
	wedding vow is the start of the spouses’ progressive devotion to each other
	and their growth toward a contented relationship.”

	In the Biblical story of Esther (Chapter 2 Verse 12), she prepared herself for
	a year, according to custom, with myrrh, fragrant herbs and other beauty
	products before she went to the king, so that, if he liked her, she would be
	called back to him. Esther’s preparation symbolizes the need for us to take
	care of ourselves and to develop our inner beauty. An allegorical exegesis
	of the story suggests that we need to find salvation through the Lord’s grace,
	avoid conflict and live victoriously. Sometimes, it involves having a sense of
	humour – humour is a safety valve in times of increased stress, as in the
	following case:
	He: “Erica, did you know that sheep are the silliest creatures on earth?”
	She: “Yes, my lamb.”

	How you respond in a conflict situation determines the outcome:
	How important is it to you to reach your personal objective?
	How important is maintaining a healthy relationship to you?
	For your own sake, you should assess what drives you in a given conflict
	situation.
	Every person has deeply vulnerable areas, for example,
	• a painful background;
	• unrealistic ideals;
	• knowledge of weaknesses; and
	• sensitive experiences.

	When you are confronted or find yourself in a conflict situation, firstly, it is
	important to become aware of what you are feeling. Your feelings will
	determine your reaction. Knowing yourself is the first step towards rational
	thought. When there is a confrontation and conflict looms, listening is often
	the best way to deal with the situation. This listening should not be
	emotional; it must be cognitive. That means listening with your mind and
	deciding for yourself what route to take to find a solution. Then define the
	problem together and stick with that definition. Treat your partner with
	respect. This is definitely not easy; but remember that sometimes what you
	say and do can hamper good communication. Discover possible solutions:
	suggest alternatives and achieve a win-win situation by both making
	compromises.

	Forgive each other the way Christ forgives you!
	* Names have been changed